Sunday, August 5, 2012

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm a very anxious person. So much that I tend to avoid trying new things, meeting new people, etc. It scares me -- it's not that I think I'm too weird, or that I have nothing of value to say; actually, I know I can be good company. It's just this irrational fear of what I don't know that binds me to my comfort zone. The thing is, nothing good has ever come from staying in your comfort zone, has it? You really do have to get out of your zone in order to be a better person than the one you are now.

It's not that I don't feel that I'm not a good person, but I don't feel like I'm being the best person I know I can be. There is such a huge difference there. Lately, I've been doing the little things to be better -- be more attentive to my daughter, and be a better wife to my husband. I've spent more time trying to tidy the house than I have since I moved here. A little step for some, but it's so huge for me. I lived in a household where I got away with a lot of things -- too much, even. I knew I could always count on mom to clean up my mess when I didn't want to do it. Would she get mad? Hell yes, but she would still end up doing the work for me. I'd feel guilty for it and "try" to help, but not really. I half-assed a lot of things I did. Because of that...well, let's just say I'm not a tidy person in the least. I could definitely be better.

No one else who walked into my house today would notice the difference, though. At least my husband does, and that's all that matters. If we're not stepping on toys in the living room, or dishes aren't piled up to take over the entire counter then we have a clean house.

But it's not just because I want to be a better housewife that I'm trying to be, generally, a better person. It's not housework that makes me anxious -- frustrated, yes. This is just one tiny step for me to help me break out of the sink hole my mind has been in the last few months. I want to take these small steps so I can tackle the bigger ones later on. One big one on our mind? Moving out.

I made peace with the fact that Trey and I would likely not live in another place alone, as a family, for a long time. My biggest problem for a while was trying to find someone who could put up with our family. Thankfully, I've found a few that I could trust. Now we're all talking big game about moving, but it's easier to talk than do. It's not that I can't see myself living in my grandparent's old house for a while; it's just that I don't think it's the right place for us. For now it's holding up, but I've been noticing things that we'd have to invest in to keep it up. We keep throwing it by the wayside since, for now, our financial situation is tight. Plus, this house doesn't really belong to us and it doesn't feel right for me to fix it up the way I'd like. It's just not "our house".

So I'm anxious. I'm anxious if these big steps will be another bust, or if I can keep up the small ones to make myself at least be a better person than the one I am now. I want this not just for me, but for my daughter -- she's so important to me, especially now. It's easier to see how much your child means to you when you've lost one. Sometimes you forget with all of the frustrations that do come with having a child of your own. I'm seeing now that I haven't been the best mom in recent months. It's hard to admit it, but it's true. I may have been there physically going through the steps, but I wasn't there mentally. It's been a talk Trey and I have had many times in the past few weeks. He understands because he witnessed it, and he picked up the slack for me. Not once did he blame or judge me for it; he patiently waited for me to come to that realization on my own.

It's hard breaking old habits, though. I've especially noticed that in the last week when I kept telling myself: "I'll wake up at 7:00 so I can exercise and get into shape!" -- yeah, right. Do you really think I woke up before 9:30 at all this past week?

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