Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The (Wo)man In The Mirror

Today has been hard; maybe not as hard as the previous few days, but it's still been rough. I woke up feeling sick with a sore throat, and it seemed as though my daughter had planned all along to drive me nuts with her bad attitude. My hormones are still completely out of whack, just as I expected, but I wish I could just go back to "normal" in that department. It's becoming harder and harder not to simply break down in front of Lillian when she gives me attitude. I did manage, though. I was harsh, but not too harsh and I think I only did it when I knew it was needed. The truth is, I'm not sure anymore what is the right way and what is the wrong way.

For months, even before I got pregnant with Jude, I became detached from everything around me. I would zone out for hours on end if I could, and I stopped being the mother I had expected to be. I was depressed, I was stressed out, and I was angry. I felt like everything I had done had failed, and that I wasn't worth anything to anyone; even my own family. I'm terrified now that I'm going to go back to being that same person. It took having my son's life taken away for me to realize that my recent "normal self" was not the real me. I'm not sure what all caused it in the end to happen like that, but I have my suspicions. My life shouldn't be a sob story because I have a beautiful family, a husband that loves me even at the worst of times, and a beautiful daughter that is as smart as a whip.

With people tugging me this way and that, telling me all kinds of things I just don't want to listen to or deal with right now, I've found so much comfort in my husband recently than I have in months. It's those talks with him that have really made me realize that there has to be some changes in my life. I will never be the same person I was before Jude was taken from me, and I'm okay with that because that wasn't me. I can fake it all I want to other people, but I haven't been myself in a long time. It's time to change. I'm not sure what kind of changes will take place, but since there are so many paths I've wondered if I should take I suppose a little experimenting wouldn't hurt. Maybe I'll go back to school, maybe I'll go back to work, maybe I'll continue to stay at home and be better than I was before? I'm determined now to change.

Thank you, my baby boy. You've really opened my eyes. Mommy loves you.

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